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You know you are a swinger when…
- You are wearing wristbands in most of your vacation photos.
- Half of the numbers on your cellphone are listed only by screen names.
- You are running out of reasons to tell your coworkers why you can’t go out with them this weekend.
- You have over 100,000 frequent flyer miles on Air Jamaica.
- You know most of your friends’ names only as couples (Rich and Joy, Frank and Jen) but you don’t know their last names.
- You go to a convention with three huge suitcases, yet are wearing the same outfit when you return as you did when you left.
- You had already seen pictures of your friends naked before you ever met them in person.
- You position the computer screen in your home office in such a way that your children can’t possibly sneak up on you.
- You can’t remember the last time you had pubic hair.
- Before traveling somewhere on business or to visit relatives you look up couples in the area.
- You worry about explaining to the neighbors why 10 couples show up on a Saturday night carrying over night bags and don’t leave until Sunday afternoon…
- You never open your garage door until you’re in the car with the doors closed.
- Your gynecologist wonders why you’re asking for birth control when he knows that your husband has had a vasectomy.
- Your hot tub has never had a bathing suit worn in it.
- Your sex toy collection costs more than your china set.
- Your wife has a shirt that says: “I Like Girls Too.”
- You have a strippers pole in the middle of your den.
- You giggle at the golf course when someone asks if they can join your foursome.
- The last thing you typically do at a party is search for your wife’s thong.
- You’ve hugged your friends goodnight while naked.
- You hear the word “Playmate” and your first thought is not “Playboy”
- The word “slut” has become a term of endearment.
- You carry lube as often as lipstick.
- Your choice in new carpeting is heavily based on which type won’t give you rug burns.
- You’ve taken your Liberator with you to a dinner party.
- The term Vanilla isn’t just a flavor to you anymore.
- You have a full-length mirror in your bedroom… On your ceiling.
- You are constantly encouraging your kids to spend the weekend at friends’ houses.
- You don’t think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground.
- Your wedding reception has an after party.
- You go to Las Vegas, but never gamble or leave the hotel.
- You panic when your friend’s digital camera goes missing.
- You’ve invited friends over and watched porn.
- You’ve invited friends over and made porn.
- You’ve watched someone do a tequila shot off of your wife’s bare ass.
- Your friends know what brand of condom you prefer.
- You wake up in the morning and find that half of the cloths on the floor don’t fit you or your wife.
- Your kids think it’s normal for adults to have sleepovers.
- A hot tub is considered a necessity not a luxury.
- You believe in Unicorns… Because you’ve actually ridden one.
- You leave the kids at home when you go to the toy store.
- You’ve taken photos of yourself with your head out of frame; And it was on purpose.
- You can’t decide which of your three naughty schoolgirl outfits you should wear this weekend.
- You always keep a supply of condoms, lube and clean hand towels by your bed… And your guest bed… And your couch in the living room.
- The employees fight to take your order at the One Hour Photo.
- You frequently use the term “Friends of friends” when explaining how you know certain people.
- You know which of your outfits looks best under a black light.
- You have an entire closet devoted just to themed outfits.
- You place a want ad that reads: “Wanted: Reliable babysitter who is willing to stay till sunrise and doesn’t ask any questions.”
- You ask the sales man at the furniture store which type of upholstery best repels semen stains.
- The staff of Hedonism III sends you birthday cards.
- You come home with that, “There’s Something About Mary” hairstyle.
- The babysitter wonders why you are always already wearing your full-length coat when she arrives.
- In the gym shower you’re the only guy with shaved balls.
- You know the most flattering angle at which to photograph your genitals.
- Half of your vacation photos were taken in your hotel room.
- You have a free place to stay in almost all the fifty states and several cities in Europe.
- You can expertly identify the tactile differences between every type of breast implant ever created.
- On Christmas, there are certain presents that can’t be opened in front of your family.
- You know exactly which of your friends are allergic to latex.
- Your vanilla friends ask why they are never invited to your parties.
- The movie “Swingers” was a huge disappointment to you.
- It’s an unwritten law that you can’t call any of your friends on Saturday or Sunday until at least 3 p.m. so you don’t wake them up.
- You’ve become especially good at operating your digital camera with one hand.
- At your “normal” parties no one can go into the basement because you’re afraid someone will notice the sex-swing.
- You’re constantly afraid that visiting relatives will pop-in one of your home videos that you forgot to hide.
- You make bets with other swinger friends about how long it will take to corrupt your cute vanilla girlfriend.
- You’re in a public place and you swear you hear someone shout your screen name.
- Before introducing them to your visiting family, you pull your friends aside and say, “OK, here’s how we know each other…”
- You start having withdrawals after two days without internet access.
- When someone asks where you’re staying on your trip to Cancun, you pretend that you can’t remember the name of the resort.
- You ask a girlfriend to teach you: “That thing you do with your tongue that my husband enjoys so much.”
- In the middle of sex with your spouse, you ask someone else to take over for a minute while you go to the restroom.
- You are more concerned about a pimple on your privates than on your face.
- You come back from vacation and you have a tan, but no tan lines.
- The first thing you do checking into a hotel is to ask for a lot of extra towels.
- All the men bring their wives to your bachelor party.
- Making it an early night means getting home before 3 a.m.
- You’ve handed out business cards to people, but the cards have nothing to do with your occupation.
- Your sexual fantasies never last very long… Because they keep coming true!
- You are hanging around vanilla friends and you absentmindedly squeeze their butts.
- You erase your computer’s browser history and cache every time you leave your office.
- You buy lap dances for your wife… And vice versa.
- You own a double-headed dildo.
- You’re still smiling on Monday morning about something you did on Saturday night.
- You’re at the market, and the only things in your basket are condoms, breath mints and Red Bull.
- On vacation you set aside time to stage a bunch of photos that are acceptable to show to your family.
- After 25 years, people still ask if you’re newlyweds.
- You’ve had sex with more people since you’ve been married than you did when you were single.
- Going to vanilla bars ranks right up there with a root canal.
- The only time you go out with your vanilla friends is when you’re on your period.
- Your husband has lipstick on his collar and he smells like another woman’s perfume and it brings a smile to your face.
- On Monday morning you are glad to go back to work so you can get some rest.
- You spend the whole week before your parents arrive calling all you friends telling them not to call your answering machine while your parents are in town.
- You get really tired of not making it to McDonald’s before they quit serving breakfast Sunday morning (on your way home).
- You have an entire external hard-drive devoted to nothing but your party photos.
- You spouse is having an orgasm, while you are busy in the other room discussing the stock market.
- You spent twice as long on your online profile than you did on your resume.
If you are reading this and laughing because many of these describe you…
That’s a pretty good sign that you are a swinger!
